fight or flight

I lie here on my bodgied up camp bed and listen to you breathe in sleep

I could do this forever. Knowing that you still live this one more day.

You said you will fight this and with all your heart hope we will get
through this together

So do I, love, so do I

Take my time, give me any suffering. I am happy if we go together.
In the end all that matters is you and I - the rest, it is superfluous.

he is dying

and I do not want to accept it.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Why?! It is so unfair.

It is NEVER fair.

Reading some of the available literature, his lack of appetite, refusal to eat, that his eyes don't fully close and his labored breathing - are signs of impending death in the last week.

I don't want to live life without him.

I can, I probably will, but I DO NOT WANT TO. 

Keep busy or else

For 5 years not a day passed without us talking. Might be at ear shattering volume but even when we were just friends, we talked.

How will I face a lifetime without you?

I wish we had more time to be us. I wish for a miracle.

Please help me God

He can't always remember words, events, people - is it just chemo brain? or is it worse?

He is losing weight. He is in pain. Is he getting well at all?

Help me to be patient, help me to find the right words, actions. Help me to be strong. Help me to carry on.

Please let him get better. 

Aunt Cranky

It's nice and all to get some words of encouragement but how am I supposed to take "he's not gonna give up so you shouldn't too"
What do you think I'm doing, mouthing the pal care propaganda and going pat, pat, there, there?
Growl.