Self pity

I have decided that I will allow myself 10 minutes of maudlin martyrdom each week. And we shall see if this reduces, or...

Undeserving self pity with what else is happening in the world to nations and to individuals who suffer -fear, pain, humiliation- before departing this plane permanently.

Yet life holds no joy for me.
If I could end it, causing no mess for others. I don't know which door I will pick.

I saw today a blog about grieving, loss, death of loved ones , that sort of thing. Yes I cried. For you, for me, for us. What is life anyway and what does death mean. Does a soul remain, return, even visit with those still living? How would it decide who to visit, and when? What about reincarnation ? I guess what I really want to know is, why have you not come to me in my dreams or out of it? I want to see you. I want us to talk. I want there to still be an us. Fool that I am.